How often do you sit there wanting to say No. Or when in your mind you know that is the correct response but you pause because you are not sure how it will be received? Let me put your mind at rest. No is a complete sentence.
Often I used to stop and decide to change my words, my tone, my sentence structure so as not to offend or upset the other person. I have realized that this is something only women seem to do. I truly don’t think that men do this. I often found myself always seeking to apologize when I had done nothing wrong. For example, I realize that I, and some of my female friends and colleagues, will write a note or other message indicating that we cannot attend a meeting or a function or even just a lime, and our response either starts or ends with an apology “I am so sorry but….”, “Unfortunately I am unable to attend……”, “………please accept my apology”. If you are Caribbean born and raised like me, you would probably be able to recite “Manners maketh man…….” as was repeated often by our parents when we were younger. So we apologize. My male friends and colleagues will send a note “I will not be there”, “Something has come up…..”.
Or more commonly I would be asked to do something that infringes on my personal time and space and I found myself responding “Unfortunately I am already committed to ……. but let me see what I can do”, or “I am already working on…….. but send it and I will see”. Juggling everything to complete some other task that I should not have allowed anyone to add to my already exhaustive load. My male friends will simply say that they are busy or they are already juggling too many other projects. Let me be clear, this is not about not helping others but about truly being too swamped to do the job properly and knowing, admitting, and yes accepting this. It is also about me taking time for myself, as we all should.
But that all came to an end when I realized that “No” can be a complete sentence all on its own. It does not require an explanation or rationale. One can be given if I decide to, but it is not necessary. Someone I truly respect once said to me, “to explain is to expose”. It took me a few years to truly understand that statement. I always felt that I needed to say why something occurred – otherwise, how will the person be able to judge the integrity of my response? But why would I need their approval or understanding, if my response was truthful? Could it be that we (women) are conditioned to seek approval? Lord, I hope not. I can hear my tribe now going “What is this woman talking about?”
Anyway, after many years of trying not to rock the boat, I finally understood that no is a complete sentence. Well maybe not complete, but it requires no qualification. No, I cannot attend the function. No, I am unable to do the meeting at that time. No, I will not be able to complete the report to meet that deadline. And definitely no I am not working this weekend.
We need to take back the power of the word No. No need to shout or scream it, no need to be rude or disrespectful when using it, but we do need to understand and appreciate it. We need to be assertive and strong when we use it. After all, every Bajan knows that “Egg ain’t got no right at rock-stone dance” – (You should avoid situations which can be harmful to you)
Just remember to breathe, as a girlfriend told me recently – there is no award for “Overworked Female of the Year”.
Bajan Brown Sugar