Posted on

No – it is a complete sentence

How often do you sit there wanting to say No. Or when in your mind you know that is the correct response but you pause because you are not sure how it will be received? Let me put your mind at rest. No is a complete sentence.

Often I used to stop and decide to change my words, my tone, my sentence structure so as not to offend or upset the other person. I have realized that this is something only women seem to do. I truly don’t think that men do this. I often found myself always seeking to apologize when I had done nothing wrong. For example, I realize that I, and some of my female friends and colleagues, will write a note or other message indicating that we cannot attend a meeting or a function or even just a lime, and our response either starts or ends with an apology “I am so sorry but….”, “Unfortunately I am unable to attend……”, “………please accept my apology”. If you are Caribbean born and raised like me, you would probably be able to recite “Manners maketh man…….” as was repeated often by our parents when we were younger. So we apologize. My male friends and colleagues will send a note “I will not be there”, “Something has come up…..”.

Or more commonly I would be asked to do something that infringes on my personal time and space and I found myself responding “Unfortunately I am already committed to ……. but let me see what I can do”, or “I am already working on…….. but send it and I will see”. Juggling everything to complete some other task that I should not have allowed anyone to add to my already exhaustive load. My male friends will simply say that they are busy or they are already juggling too many other projects. Let me be clear, this is not about not helping others but about truly being too swamped to do the job properly and knowing, admitting, and yes accepting this. It is also about me taking time for myself, as we all should.

But that all came to an end when I realized that “No” can be a complete sentence all on its own. It does not require an explanation or rationale. One can be given if I decide to, but it is not necessary. Someone I truly respect once said to me, “to explain is to expose”. It took me a few years to truly understand that statement. I always felt that I needed to say why something occurred – otherwise, how will the person be able to judge the integrity of my response? But why would I need their approval or understanding, if my response was truthful? Could it be that we (women) are conditioned to seek approval? Lord, I hope not. I can hear my tribe now going “What is this woman talking about?”

Anyway, after many years of trying not to rock the boat, I finally understood that no is a complete sentence. Well maybe not complete, but it requires no qualification. No, I cannot attend the function. No, I am unable to do the meeting at that time. No, I will not be able to complete the report to meet that deadline. And definitely no I am not working this weekend.

We need to take back the power of the word No. No need to shout or scream it, no need to be rude or disrespectful when using it, but we do need to understand and appreciate it. We need to be assertive and strong when we use it. After all, every Bajan knows that “Egg ain’t got no right at rock-stone dance” – (You should avoid situations which can be harmful to you)

Just remember to breathe, as a girlfriend told me recently – there is no award for “Overworked Female of the Year”.

Bajan Brown Sugar

Posted on

I’m still standing

I can’t believe that it has been over a year since my last post and like everyone else I blame the COVID19 pandemic. At that time I was advising everyone to get their work/life balance in order. I had made big plans to take time for me going forward and had planned a girlfriend getaway. Well, I did the girlfriend’s getaway luckily because after that the pandemic really hit our shores and we started to experience life as we had never in our lifetimes seen it before.

Suddenly we are all living in some weird version of the movie “Contagion”. Having wine or coffee with the girls is a thing of the past. Being the last people to leave the venue because you were so deep in conversation or laughing so hard or just dancing to the music and having the staff put up tables, pack away chairs, turn down the music with you still there is now nothing but a memory. Let us not talk about getting dressed up. Complimenting each other on shoes, hair, bags, clothes all those little things that help to show that you are paying attention.. “wait, girl, your other half see you before you leave home?” Or “Oooh I like it (bag, clothes, shoes, lipstick colour)” Or even “you have to try this (dip, bread, steak, martini)”. Those little rituals are now preceded by “remember when….” And this is not only in our private lives but also in our professional. I always felt that if I could go to work in a more casual look it would be great. Now I pray for the days when I can put on my “out clothes” or in other words my dress-up clothes, with my heels, and leave the house. When I put on those outfits, and I include the make-up and styled hair with the bag and shoe combination as a part of the outfit, I feel a different version of me come to the fore. And before anyone jumps up and down, I know that clothes don’t make the person but it makes me feel better. To each his own.

Complete lockdowns are happening across the world and some people are confined to the four walls of their home. Are we really surprised that mental health issues are on the rise? I love my family dearly but do I want to spend every moment of every day with them? Really…no. And don’t bother to lie, neither do any of you who are reading this. We all need space at some time, we all need other people to have discussions with and share or disagree with about different perspectives.

Then let us add in the other dynamics. Working from home and children going to school online is the new normal and let me tell you this has a different set of problems. Everyone in the house at the same time trying to work. I now have more devices in my home than I would have thought would ever happen. Everyone has a mobile handset, which is the new norm, everyone also has a laptop and all of the adults have a tablet. Our lives are now centered around the digital and virtual. I check my son’s assignments and attendance online. Last week I text my son to turn off the lights. Yes because we were both still online and that was the equivalent of when I use to say go to bed.

Then we have domestic issues. Food that used to last a month is now gone in a week and the lines at the grocery store are wrapped around the building every single day, smh. Did I tell you that I live in the land of the giants with the corresponding appetites? Well, I do or it feels as if I do. I have always been told that perception is reality

But I digress, I started to speak about the work/life balance that is out of alignment and the virtual meetings that have taken over our lives. We can no longer leave our offices a couple of minutes early for a meeting so that we can stop and purchase that lifesaving cup of coffee or tea, or shut off our computers and say that the day is finished. No, because now our offices are our bedrooms/dining rooms/kitchens and the meetings are on Zoom, MS Teams, Cisco Webex, Google Meet or one of the many virtual platforms and everyone seems to have access to your calendar.

So what do we do? We grab on to the little things that we can control and try to make our lives our own again. Because let’s be truthful, how we handle this pandemic, that has impacted everyone, depends on the kind of support systems we have like friends and family. A friend said to me recently that the lines at the grocery stores are a reflection of the fact that this is something the individual can control and so they do. When going to the grocery store is one of the few things that you can control in a world that is spinning out of wack……..

So again I have to ask, what do we do? Get together with your friends on zoom etc I was told but let’s be honest I am tired of sitting in front of my laptop every damn day. And when you are confined to the boundaries of your curtilage (love this word) then what? When the beach that was your go-to spot for relaxing is now closed, then what? Go back to talking on the phone? Sounds interesting. Read a book or watch a movie, okay sounds better. Spend time developing a hobby or learning something new. Find ways to exercise. Okay, all good suggestions.

Whatever you finally decide to do, do it with gusto. Try to find the little things that make you happy. Introduce or reintroduce a games night for the family. Cook with the children, play in the yard, run around in the rain or just sit and breathe. Just do something for yourself.

Me, I am sitting here drinking my coffee and just breathing under my mango tree. See you soon.

Posted on

Spontaneity or running away?

Tired and feeling overwhelmed, struggling to function and not wanting to get out of bed.  Are these acceptable signs of depression or just an overworked body?

Recently I was feeling like if it was all too much.  I even asked one of my doctor friends to check me out, physically and mentally.  He did but that is a different story for a different day.  As we say around here it’s all good. But even with that he said, “you are working too hard, you need a break”.  But how do you suddenly take a break? My brain, it appears, does not shut off.  Too many things to monitor and challenges to address. Because we all know that “Cat luck ain dog luck” (meaning because something works for one person, doesn’t mean it will work for another) especially if you are female in a male dominated workplace. 

So, I made a decision to do something about it for me.  After too many days of wondering why…. why can’t you trust the people around you, why must everyone play games and not be upfront, why…just why. And yes I know, everyone says, that this is the behaviour to be expected as people attempt to climb the proverbial corporate ladder, but really…. must it be this way.

I once posted on my social media page the following “You all know that one day I am going to snap right?” and everyone read it and agreed because…let’s be truthful, they know me.  They know that I will only take nonsense from grown-ups for so long before I decide no more.  But no one realised how close to the truth that statement was. I did not realise how close to the truth that statement was.

As I started to see the writing on the wall I decided to step back and take a deep breath.  I also accepted a couple things

  1. Life is not perfect, but if you let it, it is actually alright; and
  2. Learn to be okay with people not knowing your side of the story. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone.

So, I applied for vacation and booked a trip.  Yes, I know, #Ilivewhereyouvacation but sometimes you need to leave paradise. Am I depressed? No, I am not. Has something different happened? No, same old, same old.  Have I changed in some way? Yes.  I took stock of myself.  My health, my happiness, me.  I finally realised and have accepted (yes accepted, smile) that if I don’t take care of me, I will drown.  I can’t take care of everyone else if I am struggling.  And I was struggling. So, I took off for a few days.

Everyone kept asking “are you ok? How come you just decided to up and go?” The simple answer was “because I needed to”. I am and will remain a dedicated employee, a dutiful wife, a mother, an aunt and a friend. But I can’t survive if I am not taking care of my own wellbeing by trying to be everything to everyone.  So yes, the simple answer was and still is “because I needed to”.  We all hear it so often but females more so than ever “your work/life balance is out of alignment”. So as much as I hear other people say that they will make lifestyle changes at some point in time, either due to health, mental or financial challenges, I decided not me, no, no, no. I am making those changes now.  Bucket list is being written and plans are being made.

Recently I re-read a poem written by the late Erma Bombeck.  Ms Bombeck wrote this poem after she found out that she had cancer.  The poem is entitled “If I had my Life to Live Over”.  Look it up.  In it she said a number of things that resonated with me, but it all came down to these words:

“But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute; look at it and really see it; live it and never give it back…

STOP SWEATING THE SMALL STUFF!”

I have decided to stop trying to be everything to everyone. It is an unrealistic goal anyway. So, this is why I just took time off and booked the trip. So, was it spontaneity or running away? Well as far as I am concerned, I am too old to run away and anyway I will still have to return, so I will go with spontaneity. Of course, being the person that I am, I took my laptop so ended up just working from a different location. Small steps people small steps don’t judge me.

But this is also why since I returned (hey I did not run away) I have been spending time on me; under my mango tree destressing, enjoying the vistas of my island home, sipping a cup of coffee or a glass of wine on the deck, watching the birds in the trees, talking to my friends and family about all sorts of nothing, reading and laughing.  Laughing sometimes until I cry but laughing.  The type of laughter that comes from your soul. Because I have finally realised that life is not perfect, but it is what we have. So, enjoy what you have and make it work for you.

#asliceofparadise #ilivewhereyouvacation #thesefieldsandhills

So be spontaneous, get your tribe together or be by yourself but take a moment and breathe. Take a moment and be spontaneous, because we must always remember that none of us are irreplaceable at our jobs, but we are to our families.

BajanBrownSugar

Posted on

Enough Tears to flood the island

It has been a while, yes I know. But Lordie so much has happened and until my 12-year-old child forcibly reminded that my last post was June 2018 I did not realize how much time had passed. My work/life balance is out of order. This must be addressed. When we think about it we can never be the best person we can be if the balance is out of line.

However, back to why I cry. Since my last post, we had a number of major activities here in my island home. Elections were held. We have had a new Prime Minister since May 2018. It’s our first female Prime Minister, YIPPEE a female Prime Minister. Dare I say that I was not sure that it would happen in my lifetime. But here we are. So the top spots in our governmental system and in the governance hierarchy are being held by females. Governor-General, Prime Minister, various Ministers, Senators, Judges, and the Director of Public Prosecution among others. But what does this mean for us? Yes us. Not just females but all of us here in Barbados. Does this mean anything special? Females at the top?

We always hear about the gentle, determined nature of women. We are told that they can stretch a dollar but with these females at the top will the island be a better place? Here in the Caribbean and definitely here in Barbados we are accustomed to females being in charge of the household and learning how to cut and contrive. Truthfully the saying “when ya ain’t got horse ya does ride cow” is always one that comes to mind. Females in Barbados have always used the resources available to them. But will this be enough? Will this be enough to address the many challenges we are presently facing? The national debt, the rising cost of living, the increasing level of negative behaviour such as violence, and lack of pride and industry and the dirty, yes dirty, surroundings. And why are we allowing people to make it worse?

Yes, #ilivewhereyouvacation. The sunny beaches, the tranquil waters, the island breezes, the friendly people.  But slowly a pervasive negative vibe is encroaching.  My beautiful island home is not as pristine as it used to be. Esoterically, mother nature and her Sargassum seaweed notwithstanding when did we as a people lose our pride in our homeland? When did we become so dirty?  When did it become acceptable to keep your surrounding in a less than pleasant manner?

I remember as a child growing up that everyone kept their surroundings clean. In front of your house did not have weeds only flowers or plants. Sidewalks were not overgrown with grass and overhanging trees did not lean into the road because EVERYONE cut the grass and trimmed the trees on their property and in front of the house down to the road. Houses were kept as if they were vying for a spot on the cover of “Home and Garden” magazine. What happened? How do we fix this? I cry for my homeland.

Posted on

Coffee or Wine……because adulting is hard

I want a do-over. Yes, I want a do-over.  I know that a lot of you out there want the same thing. I am not ashamed and you shouldn’t be either. Because sometimes it gets to be too much and we just want to find our little corner and curl up with our thumb in our mouth and let someone else do the adulting for a while.

Some days I just don’t want to hear “Honey where is ……..”, “Mum I can’t find …….” Aunty can you help with……., Mrs. H I can’t understand X,Y or Z” or any of the various variations of the above.  Neither do I want to  be one who always has to wear the “wicked witch of the west” crown.  Always running behind a child, employee, colleague, family and the list goes on. Because being the level-headed responsible person is a full-time job. I am not superwoman.  There I have said it.  I am not.

So yes some days I want a do-over.  But I have realized that my daily reality does not allow for that, so hence, in my mind, that is why coffee and wine were invented….because adulting is hard.

Do you remember fondly, as I do, the glorious carefree days of our youth? When you worked because you had to admittedly, but that was really it.  No bills and no major responsibilities.  You pretended to be all grown up, making your own decisions but as time has passed we now get to realize that the period of carefree partying and sleeping in late, was all because mummy and daddy allowed us to experience that time in our lives. The skipping through the rain and jumping in puddles without a care was because someone else made sure that our clothes were washed, food and drink was waiting when we made it home and truthfully that we were allowed to just be.  Now it is our time and for one sometimes I want a do-over because being the adult is challenging.

For example, in dealing with your child the adult reserves are seriously tested.  I love my children, but Lord the patience needed.

I remember growing up and testing the boundaries of my mother’s patience and periodically she would say “I hope that when you have a child I am alive to see it and that the child is just like you”  In my naivete, I took that as a compliment.  It wasn’t.  Well, skip forward a few years (read decades) and I have a child who some people say Is. Just. Like. Me.  My mother is still alive and having the last laugh.  “de berry don’t drop too far from de tree” (Children inherit traits and attitudes from their parents) perhaps is most fitting. Really? yes really.

Loving, curious, opinionated and stubborn. Did I say stubborn? Definitely stubborn.  I don’t think that I am stubborn but hey my mother says I was; my husband says I am, so I don’t have to agree but if they feel that way… huh… maybe in some ways I am. But now having a child with those traits, yeah, not so nice at all.

So now I get to say things like “Use the streetlights as your guide. When they come on you need to be at home or very close to being inside of the house and not now leaving your friend X’s house” because I have discovered that just saying “Use the streetlights as your guide and come home” means nothing. The child can be very literal when it suits his purpose. Just as asking “do you have all of your gear for whichever sport the next day” does not translate into getting up and checking or packing said gear. Therefore, so that my tribe is not forced to come to get their Godchild by proxy from my house, I have to be very clear and precise in my speech. Explaining that because your friends do it does not mean that you have too as well is also challenging.  But sometimes we are both at the same place at the same time and when we do get it right it is awesome.

So I have set boundaries.  An example of one that works is anything forgotten at home stays at home until you return. Homework, sports gear, money for field trips… anything.  Actions have consequences and we are all experiencing this.

So yes adulting is hard but for the times when it seems over the top, we have Coffee and Wine.

Bajan Brown Sugar

Posted on

Under my Mango Tree

 

I am a reader., yup a reader.  My idea of “me” time is to get a good book, a glass of wine and lose my self in someone else’s world either real or make-believe.  But I have decided to write. Why now you may ask…because I feel I have something to say …..or because I have so much running around in my head that I need to get it out before I go mad… or  maybe sitting here under my mango tree, while on leave, after having experienced two vehicular accidents in three months has brought home how truly short life can be.  Either way here goes.

So let me tell you a little about my life.  I live in a small country and we always have a saying for everything.  So if I use a few of them don’t be confused.  They can be very entertaining.

After working for the last few years in a stressful environment and watching all of my friends have the same worries it was brought home to me recently that life should not be spent always reaching for the proverbial brass ring.

So after the two accidents, I decided that I needed my oasis and my decision to put down my thoughts on paper (or in this case electronically) was born. Can we as strong confident women truly balance it all? I always said yes emphatically.  Marriage, work, children, volunteering, helping others in our families. We are superwomen.  But life wears you down.   “Bucket gine up and down in well evah day, de bottom boun’ tuh drop out.”  So before the bottom drops out of our bucket, ladies take some “me time”. Call up your tribe, purchase the shoes, drink the wine or coffee, do retail therapy, spa day, sit in your oasis; any or all of the above. Hell just take a bath instead of a shower all of the time. The point is do something for you. Life is too short.

Until we meet again

BajanBrownSugar