Spontaneity or running away?

Tired and feeling overwhelmed, struggling to function and not wanting to get out of bed.  Are these acceptable signs of depression or just an overworked body?

Recently I was feeling like if it was all too much.  I even asked one of my doctor friends to check me out, physically and mentally.  He did but that is a different story for a different day.  As we say around here it’s all good. But even with that he said, “you are working too hard, you need a break”.  But how do you suddenly take a break? My brain, it appears, does not shut off.  Too many things to monitor and challenges to address. Because we all know that “Cat luck ain dog luck” (meaning because something works for one person, doesn’t mean it will work for another) especially if you are female in a male dominated workplace. 

So, I made a decision to do something about it for me.  After too many days of wondering why…. why can’t you trust the people around you, why must everyone play games and not be upfront, why…just why. And yes I know, everyone says, that this is the behaviour to be expected as people attempt to climb the proverbial corporate ladder, but really…. must it be this way.

I once posted on my social media page the following “You all know that one day I am going to snap right?” and everyone read it and agreed because…let’s be truthful, they know me.  They know that I will only take nonsense from grown-ups for so long before I decide no more.  But no one realised how close to the truth that statement was. I did not realise how close to the truth that statement was.

As I started to see the writing on the wall I decided to step back and take a deep breath.  I also accepted a couple things

1. Life is not perfect, but if you let it, it is actually alright; and
2. Learn to be okay with people not knowing your side of the story. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone.

So, I applied for vacation and booked a trip.  Yes, I know, #Ilivewhereyouvacation but sometimes you need to leave paradise. Am I depressed? No, I am not. Has something different happened? No, same old, same old.  Have I changed in some way? Yes.  I took stock of myself.  My health, my happiness, me.  I finally realised and have accepted (yes accepted, smile) that if I don’t take care of me, I will drown.  I can’t take care of everyone else if I am struggling.  And I was struggling. So, I took off for a few days.

Everyone kept asking “are you ok? How come you just decided to up and go?” The simple answer was “because I needed to”. I am and will remain a dedicated employee, a dutiful wife, a mother, an aunt and a friend. But I can’t survive if I am not taking care of my own wellbeing by trying to be everything to everyone.  So yes, the simple answer was and still is “because I needed to”.  We all hear it so often but females more so than ever “your work/life balance is out of alignment”. So as much as I hear other people say that they will make lifestyle changes at some point in time, either due to health, mental or financial challenges, I decided not me, no, no, no. I am making those changes now.  Bucket list is being written and plans are being made.

Recently I re-read a poem written by the late Erma Bombeck.  Ms Bombeck wrote this poem after she found out that she had cancer.  The poem is entitled “If I had my Life to Live Over”.  Look it up.  In it she said a number of things that resonated with me, but it all came down to these words:

“But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute; look at it and really see it; live it and never give it back…

STOP SWEATING THE SMALL STUFF!”

I have decided to stop trying to be everything to everyone. It is an unrealistic goal anyway. So, this is why I just took time off and booked the trip. So, was it spontaneity or running away? Well as far as I am concerned, I am too old to run away and anyway I will still have to return, so I will go with spontaneity. Of course, being the person that I am, I took my laptop so ended up just working from a different location. Small steps people small steps don’t judge me.

But this is also why since I returned (hey I did not run away) I have been spending time on me; under my mango tree destressing, enjoying the vistas of my island home, sipping a cup of coffee or a glass of wine on the deck, watching the birds in the trees, talking to my friends and family about all sorts of nothing, reading and laughing.  Laughing sometimes until I cry but laughing.  The type of laughter that comes from your soul. Because I have finally realised that life is not perfect, but it is what we have. So, enjoy what you have and make it work for you.

#asliceofparadise #ilivewhereyouvacation #thesefieldsandhills

So be spontaneous, get your tribe together or be by yourself but take a moment and breathe. Take a moment and be spontaneous, because we must always remember that none of us are irreplaceable at our jobs, but we are to our families.

BajanBrownSugar